Attics of My Life
by Mara2
Summary: Epilogue posted! It should be the best day of young Severus Snape's short life - the famed marauders have been dismantled, one by one, in the worst possible of circumstances. So, why isn't it? This is SLASH. Enjoy
1. Fallen Embers

Attics of My Life : Fallen Embers 

Fallen Embers  
Disclaimer : None of these characters are mind, I'm simply borrowing them for a bit. They do, of course, belong to J.K. Rowling. Just to warn you all, this is SLASH. If you don't like that, then kindly leave. If you can be open enough to except such a relationship, then read on. I've been working on this story for almost six months, and I know that it isn't very long, but I hope it finally turned out alright. I've spent way too much time on it, so now it's your turn. I hope you enjoy . . .  


Lightning flashes, and Severus Snape peers out the window. His eyes immediately wash over the briefly illuminated sky, a swoosh of branches catching his attention. He looks at it, and his knees crumble, forcing him to grab the desk in order to keep his respectable position. No, that is not true, he no longer cares about his respectability - lying in a heap on the floor is much better than bearing the pain that washes over him. Memories. Things that he longed to forget years ago, things that he thought, no, he pretended to forget years ago. As the lightning flashes, again illuminating the twisted branches, he notes how ironically they mirror his own twisted fate. The fate that Albus was so kind to bestow upon him just hours ago. Albus had spoken the words, and things had flooded back that he had never believed could again be revealed. He had thought they had been buried forever, but as the thrashing tree sends tendrils of old sensations through his veins, it is obvious that the dirt has been overturned, old wounds re-opened. Old wounds that would never again scab over. The wind whistles through the branches as Severus squeezes out the old front doors, attempting to hide his tall, lanky form from view. The night is dark, unnaturally dark. Not one star, one sliver of moon, forces its way through the branches to the ground beyond. Now that the gates are open, the flood begins, the flood that will not wane until it has run its course. When it is finally over, the tide of ancient memories finally abated, his mind turns to things now at hand. Lily and James Potter, dead. Peter Petigrew, dead. Sirius Black, on his way to Azkhaban at perhaps this very moment. That leaves only one, only one maraudor, his maraudor . . . Large wings stir the moss and dirt, and he looks up, his thoughts momentarily forgotten. An owl, larger than most, grey, with intermittent specks of every color imaginable, sits herself on his bent knee. Her large, mahogany eyes blink, and Severus shivers, attempting to shake off the feelings of scrutiny. He averts his own, obsidian eyes and reaches for the string around her leg. His fingers stumble, trembling against the string. He focuses on the loose bow, but the emotional trip his mind has been taking has sapped every bit of his energy. Finally, with a little kicking from the owl herself, the string falls to the dirt, and the parchment rolls into his lap. He eyes it warily, knowing what the last parchment of this sort told him. Thick, opaque color, emblazoned with green scripture. It falls open easily, the script relaying but a few short words. 

_Severus, I need to speak with you. Meet me in my office. Password is M and M's_

An insistent squawk and a nip from a beak bring him to his feet. In a distant corner of his numb mind he registers that the owl is directing him somewhere, but the trip is lost in shadows and nothingness. Suddenly, he realizes that his feet have stopped moving and he looks up. The owl flaps her wings expectantly and Severus mumbles the password, "M and M's," without questioning the absurdity of the words that just passed through his lips. The trip up long flights of winding staircases, cloaked in darkness with only the sound of flapping feathers to guide him does not leave an imprint in his exhausted memory. Neither does Albus' insistence on him sitting in one of the large, comfy chairs, or Fawks, who lands on his shoulder. Beautiful tears fall, pooling around his head, but not leaving a mark or the normal wetness accompanying tears. Instead, the affects are felt in his body, and his mind slowly awakens from its stupor. "Ah, Severus, I see you have taken the news quite badly, as I feared you would," Albus begins, handing him a cup of tea and sitting in the armchair next to his. Severus takes the cup and sips it, grateful for the scalding trail the liquid makes as it flows down his throat, giving his mind something else to rest on. Albus takes these actions as a yes, and studies his former pupil for a while. The young man has done so much for their cause, it is understandable that the death of the Dark Lord has come as a shock for him, but is not so dense as to believe that his pain does not go so much deeper than that. "I have a proposition for you, Severus. I know that you are still in shock over last night's events, but I must again ask you to be strong, and show the courage I know you possess," Albus tells him, and then waits for his words to sink in. Finally, Severus nods, and Albus continues. "I will ask you to do one more thing for our cause. I am in dire need of a Potions instructor, and I would like you to take the job. It will hopefully be just a temporary position, until we sort out the events of the last twenty-four hours." Severus' head comes up in surprise, and he locks his eyes with Albus'. "You know as well as I do, Albus, that Voldemort is not defeated. He has just been slowed in his quest for greater power." Albus nods. "I know." Severus looks at him questioningly. "Than why are you offering me this position?" "I would like you here, under my close surveillance, and your previous success with Potions makes you a perfect candidate for the job. Your expertise in Potions as well as in other fields will enrich the students' experiences greatly." Severus snorts at these words. "Nothing I do will ever 'enrich the students' experiences'." Albus just shakes his head and turns his eyes pleadingly upon the young man in front of him. "Please, Severus." Severus thinks for a moment, the process taking longer than it would if he had not been force-fed so much in the last day. Finally, he nods. "I don't see why not." Albus smiles, then his expression turns serious again. "Good. Now that that's over, I need to ask one more favor of you." Severus sighs in resignation. "What is it, Albus?" "Your first task as Potions master, actually. Now, I know that you know about Remus Lupin, after that little incident," Albus tells him, hoping to get a reaction, but Severus' eyes do not linger from his tea cup. "Well, I do not know if you knew that James, Peter, and Sirius were animagus as well. They would serve as sounding boards, and greatly reduced the pain that Remus went through every month." Severus' mind whirls. How did Albus know about them being animagus? And, if he did, why hadn't they been expelled? But, as Albus continues, these questions instantly disapparate, forgotten. "Now that Remus is the only one left, his transformations will probably return to their old wildness; dangerous and painful. But, there is one thing that may help. It is called the Wolfsbane potion, and was discovered only weeks ago by a witch in Finland. I'd like you to attempt to copy this potion, and make it available for Remus' use," Albus watches for the torrent to come, and his wait is not unsatisfied. The cup falls from Severus' grasp, and it crashes to the floor, teal pottery shattering, sending scolding liquid around his ankles. But, he does not even notice the burns, instead focusing on keeping the memories again at bay. Albus nods in sympathy, emitting comfort to his distraught new professor. "Severus, I know that this task will be harder for you than anything, harder even than working secretly against Voldemort for so many years, but I must ask it of you. If there were any other way, I wouldn't, but as it is, I must." Severus does not respond, he just sits numbly in his chair, letting the words sink in. Finally, he gets up and makes for the door, turning around only for a moment. "Love is the one thing that you can never fully understand," Severus tells him, before his black robes swoosh around his burned ankles and he is out of sight, down the dark staircase. 

************************************************************************************************ I hope you enjoyed this, the next chapter will be up shortly. Please, review. Thanks, Mara 


	2. Windy Town

Attics of My Life : Windy Town 

Windy Town   


Disclaimer : Fortunately for you, I am not J.K. Rowling. Therefore, these are not my characters, I'm just playing with them for a bit. Please, enjoy this chapter . . .  


The little place does not surprise him. The thatched roof and trail of smoke, coupled with the rays of sunlight filtering through the dense treetops create a quaint little place. It is quiet and peaceful, but if you listen just a touch deeper the silence is not that, but instead the soft coos of mating birds and insistent pecks of a woodpecker not far off. Isolated. Remote. Everything that Remus believed he deserved, everything he insisted was expected of him. For the safety of others, as he always said. If only he could see that he deserved, he was worth, so much more. If only he could see that all this is just fake boundaries society has created from their unfounded prejudice, not the truth. One of the birds, its wings ruffled and angry, flies past, the tips of its wings barely missing Severus' nose. The bird glances indignantly at the protruding object before continuing on its fevered flight. The action successfully pulls Severus out of his thoughts and allows him to turn from the past to the present. The edge of the woods is destroyed. There are bits of leaves and bark and twigs everywhere. The claw marks are clear signs of what Remus goes through every month - the terrible animal that he has been resigned to. With a new sense of purpose, Severus straightens his shoulders and pushes through the last ring of foliage, into the small glen. Stealing himself, he walks briskly to the door and knocks. Once. Unable to raise his hand again, unable to move a single step closer to the reality that awaits him behind the door, he waits. With each passing second his breath becomes more labored, increasing a notch until he hears an undeniable click. Within just a few milliseconds, Severus' carefully constructed wards come crashing down. Every false truth, every meticulously built wall is instantly destroyed. The little fantasy world he has been hiding in drifts away on the light breeze. He curses his inability to withstand those dark eyes, to maintain the self control that he has been through so much to obtain. "Albus said you'd be coming," Remus' soft voice pulls Severus to the here and now, to the little cottage with its thatched roof and irresistible resident. Clearing his throat, Severus recites Potions ingredients in his mind, concentrating hard on 'three frog legs and one cup of bird blood,' instead of the man in front of him. "Yes, Albus has sent me. Did he tell you the reason for my visit?" Remus half-nods. "He hinted, but was extremely cryptic." He stands back and motions his visitor inside, "Come in. it's quiet small, but it hopefully will fit your needs." Severus follows him in, peering around the small cabin. There are only two rooms : a main room and a small bedroom, that Sev can only glimpse through a half-closed door. Remus busies himself in the kitchen, while Severus stands there, uncomfortably shifting feet and clenching and unclenching his hands. "Would you like some coffee or anything? I don't have much cream, but I do have a bit of sugar," Remus tells him. "I'd rather start the potion, if you don't mind. The quicker I'm done, the better," Severus spits out, resentful of how calm Remus seems. Why does Severus' entire life fall apart while Remus is so obviously unaffected? Severus ignores the silence he receives as a response, instead turning his mind to the task ahead. As he meticulously lays everything out, he provides Remus with a quick explanation of the Wolfsbane Potion and gives him strict instructions on how to cut up some of the ingredients. Not another word is uttered. The silence is thick, the tension almost tangible, Remus cuts the ingredients, keeping a watchful eye on the man next to him, the man that, with one swoosh of his black cloak, flooded him with so many emotion, emotions which have brought his world crashing down around him. Severus turns to take the ingredients, but instead drops his hand.

The cauldron gurgles, spitting its unpleasant liquid into Severus' eye. He scowls at the offending bubbles, trying so hard not to let his emotions get the best of him. Anger, happiness, hate; none of which can outdo the aching fear that blankets his heart. Remus, so close to him, yet so far, with his mahogany eyes drawn to his hands, not laying upon him. The minutes draw out. So slow, so quiet, so painful. Severus feels the two eyes rise to rest on his back, burning into his soul, and finally he is lost. Instead of the scalding words that Remus expects, knows will come, the words on Sirius' demise, all Severus emits is a soft, trembling, "Why?" Why?, Remus repeats to himself, startled by how much more one, tenderly spoken word has affected him than a million chastising, angry phrases ever could. In one word, Severus has summed up so much : the hurt, the pain, the longing. That trembling voice explains so much about the past years, answers so many questions that Remus was too scared to ask.

His eyes do not move from the ingredients, but his hands are no longer steady enough to go on cutting. "I had no choice, Severus. You know that." Severus stops his stirring with a loud bang of the ladle. He curses inwardly at how quickly he has already lost his temper, lost control of the barriers he has spent so long carefully constructing. "No, Remus." Remus flinches at the flints of anger in his hard voice. He places the knife down on the board, resting his eyes anywhere but on Severus. "No? How would you know? You don't understand." The conversation has taken a turn that Severus has spent the last days praying it wouldn't. It has plucked strings so deep, strings that only Remus has ever been capable of reaching. "How could I understand if you would never tell me?" Remus just shakes his head, a sad note entering his voice as he desperately repeats his earlier lines. "I had no choice." "Remus, we always have choices," Severus snaps. "You can't understand, Severus. You weren't in my situation. You didn't have friends to deal with or elders to live up to," Remus replies angrily, cutting Severus to the bone. "I'd have given anything to have that, to have had to make that decision," his voice softens to barely above a whisper. "Anything but you." Those three words portray so much, so much of the aching that has invested itself in his soul. Suddenly, these feeling are so keen to Remus, and he utters words that have, for so long, been bottled up inside of him. "Gods, Sev, did you think it was easy for me? Every night, no, every moment, I pined for you." Severus lowers his eyes to the cauldron, cringing at every word. Remus plunges on, taking deep, labored breathes between his thoughts, his confessions, "Do you think it was fun to feel his rough hands, instead of your soft, tender fingertips. Instead of a chaste embrace, a harsh fuck . . . "And with every thrust, words of what baggage I was. How he was being so courteous, so generous, to keep me. How much being with me was hurting his reputation . . . "He would leave me, torn and shivering, alone. But, sometimes it was better that way, it meant that I would have a chance to cry, a chance to imagine that your strong arms were wrapped around me, whispering words that I so desperately needed to hear . . . "He made me feel so used, dirty, so unimportant. And the worst part was that I believed him, believed that I deserved everything he gave me. I felt that the pain, the soreness, the blood - I thought that I was some indescribable monster, a monster who should have never been allowed to live a normal live, to enjoy the normality of everyday society. I believed every word, every degrading comment about how I was lucky to be alive, lucky to be Sirius Black's pleasure toy . . ." As he has talked, Remus' voice has risen in volume and in anger. Now, he lowers his voice to a soft longing that complements the tears that come to his eyes. "Gods, Sev, how I yearned for you, longed for your sweet caresses. I . . . " The tears finally pull Severus out of his stupor. He stares at Remus, aghast. In one terrible moment, black eyes meet brown in such raw, undeniable truth. In just one step, Remus is in Severus' arms, their soft lips crushed together in the most tender of embraces. They do not part until, behind them, the cauldron bubbles. Severus ignores the feeling of emptiness his lips are left with long enough to check the potion. Satisfied with the perfect violet color, he pours it into jars and then turns to Remus, a sparkle in his eye that had disappeared so long ago. "It worked," he breathes, his taught mouth pulled into a small smile. "Thank you, Severus," Remus replies, again wrapping his arms around Sev's neck. "Thank you for everything," he adds, before their lips lock again in an all-encompassing embrace. 

********************************************************************************************************* Thanks for reading. There's only the epilogue left. If you want it soon, then I'm going to have to get some reviews. Please, I'm begging you . . . Thanks, Mara 


	3. Epilogue

Attics of My Life : Epilogue 

Epilogue  


Disclaimer : Everything belongs to J.K. Rowling - I am her devoted and humble serveant. This chapter is NC-17, and as I warned earlier, it's SLASH. If you can't agree to that, then please take your mouse and click on the back button . . . For those of you who have stayed with me, I hope this chapter will live up to your expectations. Enjoy . . .  


It takes him a few minutes, upon waking, to remember the night's activities and realize where he is. Once the memories come flickering back, however, he reaches across the ruffled bedcovers, only to find air. Worried, he wraps himself in one of Remus' old, patched bathrobes and makes his way into the main room. There, his face flickering in the firelight, sits his lover. He mulls that phrase - his lover - over in his mind, deciding that it is a wonderfully perfect way to describe Remus. Padding over to him, Severus sits down and looks over Remus' shoulder at the picture album. Remus, feeling his presence, wipes his eyes and looks up at Sev. "I was just remembering. There's so many memories, all killed in a day . . ." Sev nods and wraps his arm around his lover's waist when he leans back against his shoulder. "So many hopes and dreams were shattered these last few years," after a short pause, he whispers, "including mine." Silence descends as both men drift into their own thoughts, each lost in their separate turmoils. Finally, Remus smiles a sad smile and turns his eyes to Severus' elegant face. "How is this going to work, Sev?" "We'll find a way," Severus replies absentmindedly, as he lays sweet kisses along Remus' exposed neck, willing away his awful thoughts. Remus pulls his neck away and turns around in his arms. "No, Sev. I'm not like you. I'm not brace, or smart. I don't exist in society." Severus interrupts his kisses to glare into Remus' eyes, an angry tint in his own dark orbs. "_He_ has fucked with your mind that badly? Gods, Remus, why can't you see how worthy, how capable, how precious you are? You don't need to seclude, to isolate, yourself - you have nothing to hide." "I'm dangerous, Severus. Don't you see that?" Remus spits out, a bit angry himself. Severus tightens his grip and pulls Remus closer. "How . . . dare . . . you . . . even . . . think . . . that?" he gets out between kisses. Pulling away to look at his lover's face, he concludes, "Voldemort's dangerous, yes, but not you," Severus tells him sharply before capturing his mouth in a bruising kiss to punctuate his point. As the kiss deepens, Severus slowly lowers Remus onto his back, his hands on Remus' back, making sure that he lands gently in the soft rug. Once Remus is laid flat on the floor, Severus tears his mouth away. But, Remus' longing groan quickly becomes a moan, as those talented lips trace his jaw, continuing on down his throat. As Severus' tender hands pull back Remus' robes, his lips follow. Remus arches into the caresses, moaning even louder. Severus' lips return to Remus' in a reassuring kiss as he slips the last of Remus' robes off his body. Pulling away, Severus takes in all of his lover's body. Smiling appreciatively, his lips form butterfly kisses over each of Remus' scars. Contrary to the worry and fear in Remus' eyes, Severus breathes out, "you're so beautiful," his breath against the wetness his lips have left behind causing shivers to run throughout all of Remus' body. Reaching Remus' waist, Severus' mouth turns to Remus' lower legs, eliciting an angry sound from the other man's mouth. Slowly, teasingly, Severus' lips trace Remus' inner thighs, until his lover is writhing and twisting under him. The groan again becomes disappointed as Severus next turns his attention to Remus' hips, kissing two loving paths from his hipbone to his throbbing groin. Finally taking mercy on his throbbing lover, Severus' tongue runs over Remus' tip. Severus' groan matches that of his lover as he tastes the sweet liquid. With the insistent arching of Remus' hips, Severus makes his way lower, finally taking all of Remus through his red-kissed lips. All too soon, Remus is bucking and moaning. Much to Remus' chagrin, he pulls away at this very moment. Pulling himself off of his lover's well-kissed body, Severus discards his own robes. Returning to his lover's unkissed mouth, he engages Remus in a kiss to which Severus flows all the emotions of the past few days. When the kiss ends, Remus finds himself on top, looking down at Severus' elegant body. Wishing he could return Severus' mapping of his body, the rubbing of their erections together shows him that he neither has the time, nor the patience to return the favor in kind. "Gods Sev . . ." is all that he is able to whisper. Skillfully, Severus positions himself so that Remus' weeping erection is positioned just above his prostrate. Feeling the hot flesh partly give way, Remus' breath hitches and he jerks away, his eyes filled with fear. Severus sits up, wrapping his arms around Remus' shaking shoulders. "Please, Remus, I want you to take me." "No, I can't. That's a gift I do not deserve, I will not take it," Remus gets out, his voice shaky. From behind, Severus lays sweet kisses along Remus' naked neck and shoulders. The skin is so soft and sweet . . . "Remus, I love you more than anything, and I want you. Gods, I hate_ him _for making you feel this way. I want you so bad. Please, Remus . . ." Slowly, Remus nods. The motion is only detectible from the slight wrinkles in the skin beneath Severus' lips. Gently, Severus turns Remus around, locking him in the most passionate of kisses, while laying back down, pulling Remus on top of him. This time, when Severus positions Remus, he starts slightly, but does not pull away. Severus locks eyes with him, the firelight making the desire in his eyes clear. "Ready?" He asks, careful to keep his voice soft and steady. "Sev . . . I've, I've never . . . done this," Remus stammers, the fear clear in his eyes and voice. Chuckling softly, Severus takes one of Remus' hands, sucking in one of his fingers. The twists of his tongue around the fortunate digit elicit a groan from his lover, and brings about a step more of relaxation. Pulling out the digit, he smiles as he leads Remus' hand to his entrance. "Just go slowly, take your time." Remus pushes in his soaked finger, moaning in time with Severus at the wonderful sensations. With careful coaxing and guidance, Remus slowly spreads and readies his lover. With the insertation of the third finger, Severus bucks and groans, his breath coming fast and heavy. "Now, Remus . . . I'm not going to last much longer." Chasing away the last of his self-confidence issues, Remus positions his tip, pushing in ever so slightly. Severus moans, his head rolling back on the rug. Taking this as a sign on encouragement, Remus continues until he's buried to the hilt. After a few moments of adjustment, Severus is again able to raise his head up off the rug. "Move, Remus. Gods, you feel so right . . ." Severus watches the firelight flicker across their bodies, alighting the love the evidence of the love that they share. The flickers illuminate Remus' face as he comes, screaming his lover's name in complete ecstasy. Severus is not long to follow. "Love you," Remus whispers into his lover's chest as he drifts into blissful sleep. Sighing contently, Severus pulls a blanket over their weary bodies. Watching his lover sleeps brings contentment to his own weary mind, and he whispers back, "I love you, too, Remus," before following his lover into peaceful sleep. 

******************************************************************************************************* Sniffle, sniffle. It's over :-( Well, I hope you enjoyed this, and please, pretty please, review. Love you all, Mara 


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